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Grateful Even If.....

I am grateful. 
Giving the accolades to God.
But feeling like we're in a space of quiet. 
The quiet before a storm.
Is it possible to walk in faith and still prepare for the next heavy thing?
Maybe it's possible.
Maybe it's okay. 
Maybe the quiet and mundane and nothingness is God's gift.
Maybe He knows my mind and soul need a break.  A rest time. 
Time to take care of other places of my life. 
It doesn't mean I'm not close to Him. 
It might mean I'm like a dry hard patch of earth that just needs the time to let the faith sink deep.  
While I sit in this little space of empty I keep a grateful eye on my little piece of Faith. 
And I list my Grateful in my head
The two months without seizures
The week long trip to my son's wedding and no bad effects. 
The quiet of not having big fear spirals. 
The flowers in the garden all messy and laying sideways and still blooming like it doesn't matter they're laying in the dirt. 
The  thoroughly satisfying cleaning ability.
The time to read and drink coffee and reflect.
The cold messy pool to float in.
The teens in the house saying all the unorthodox things. 
So much rain. 
Just being and just creating.  No one to have to prove myself to. 

I'm grateful.  
Even if....
.....The fear and trauma paralyzes me.
......The adrenaline surge knocks me flat when I see a seizure or hear it. 
......I wonder how this journey will play out over time.
.....It hurts and squeezes my heart when Jeanie talks on and on about the future as though it's hers. 
......She doesn't know how to be a friend anymore to her girlfriends.
.....I am  in a spot of wondering how this season plays out and where I fit.

I find that with Matt and I,  I just want to be old together in the garden with our own secrets and no one's big opinions to mar our aura of old bliss.

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