Not What It Is.....

      There's a Skrivseth title for you!  Abstract and off the wall as can be. 

     Did you ever know you were pushing the time limits but chose not to look at the time because if you do you know you're not going to cut the mustard this time so you don't look....and pretend it's not five till....but it still really is five till.....it's a spiral of mine.  

     I've been stressing a lot lately.  I'm clenching my teeth at night.  I'm having a racing heart beat. I'm not looking to see what it is.  I don't want to know.  Cuz if I really admit what it it is then it makes it a reality and I don't know that I want to embrace this reality.  If it's not allowed to be said out loud than it isn't,  right?  

    Anyhow, how in the world can a person who is so dedicated to honesty and saying it like it is have a few weeks of not saying it like it is?  Huh?  This makes no sense in my life. 

    

     One of my realities  is that I do have an auto immune disease.  I've tried to acknowledge it.  I've prayed it.  I've fought it. I've ignored it. I've medical world it. I've naturally treated it.  But I still don't want to admit that it could and will get me some day.  I've even plexused it.  It's kind of like a lion chasing me.  And it plays hide and seek.  And it's always right behind the next tree. But when I do finally face it it feels like a huge mountain.  For the sake of my family I have to get up and tackle it again.  Just because I don't have control of what my body is doing to itself  I do have the option of staying as fit as possible and training my lungs and my heart to function more efficiently.  But some one tell me how a mom with four busy kids takes time to keep up with the normal busy life AND train for a marathon and home school PLUS be a happy energetic wife?  It's too complex in my mind.  I feel like I'm up against a wall.  Where do I prioritize?  Do I spend all my time trying to be healthy for the sake of my family or do I spend my time with my family?  I'm trying to figure out how to do both at the same time.  I think shooting hoops with my boys sounds like a great solution.  Or a deep swimming pool.  Or Biking.  For most people it's a no brainer.  For me it boggles me .  If I don't admit this reality then it isn't there right? 

      Another reality.  Back when Z was finishing second grade at the church school and it wasn't working out very good, I was also teaching a Sunday School class at our church.  So I spent a lot more time over that time studying and writing.  One of those things I wrote was a prayer for three things.  I don't remember what all I prayed for but one of the prayers was for the church school system to work out and that God would provide a way for us to send our children to school.   Now we are coming up on 7th grade for Z and we're still teaching at home.  I now have two officially signed up for homeschooling and one preschooler.  Every year I've prayed for this same thing.  God has not answered that prayer.  For a long time I felt bitter at the system.  I wanted them to change the things that didn't work for us.  I wanted to tear the whole thing to pieces.  I  wanted it to be MY way.  But the answer kept being no.  It suddenly came to me after all this time.....God doesn't have that in his plan for us.  How weird!  Why ever for not I wondered?  Why can't I send my kids to school like normal parents?  Why am I suppose to do this homeschooling thing?  I don't know yet.  But this is one reality it's beyond time for me to face.  It is this......It isn't changing.  It is my life that God has for me right now.  I have to do the best I can with it.

     Other realities in life are things that float through my head like attitudes and  judgements and fears.  If I keep them silent in my head then they aren't real right?  I'm starting to  think thats not true.  Some of those things I don't want to face are still there or if I put them into words they actually float away and they truly aren't any thing other than fluff.  So why do I  swallow my words so often?  If I  could learn to articulate and and strive to be wise and  kind, then perhaps I  could say the things that need to be said? And trust....we humans tend to be careful who to trust with our words....  This one is too big for me........

     I've been watching the presidential news.  It's interesting!  But one has to keep their focus too.  It's a pretty nasty world out there.  I keep my kids more informed than they want to be I suppose.  But I try to use the opportunities we have now to teach them how fleeting our world is and to know deep inside that no body can take God from them.

       Our summer has been Golden!  I have to take note of this before I end my rambling.  We have filled it with normal humdrum days of play.  We had lots of rain and mosquito's and now we have the HOT HOT days that grows good corn on the cob and raspberries and sunburned kids and long mornings of sleep.  We will be going to Idaho in three weeks and after that we are back to school.  It's unbelieveable!  I took the summer off of market baking and have not regretted it AT ALL!  Life is getting more simplified and I'm noticing my moments with my babies!  So many days I stand on my back deck and just breath/ sing deep inside, "Thank you God"  It is amazing to not be overwhelmed and cloudy and tired.  I'm still tired and I'm still a normal person.  But we are amazingly blest and I am not , not noticing!  I am savoring it all!  

     

      And these are a few of my realities.  We all have them. And we all have to figure out what to do with them.   One of the biggest things.....the thing that is reality  in your life IS real.   Even if it looks small to someone else, don't think your reality is for nothing.  God is working on your story for a reason and your story isn't going to look like some one else's.

       Off to finish my coffee and make more food for my food inhalers.  Three boys consume a lot of food!