Life in Nebraska ....

Last time I posted I mentioned being in a quiet spot.      It's curious to me how one can be in a quiet spot internally but super busy externally and then be in a quiet season externally but Internally be in a season of seeking and crying and lonely.      Zerrick and Susanna's reception in our yard is over and my many siblings showing up for us was a cherry on top.   It felt like a relaxed good reception and I spent most of it watching people and listening in on little groups of chatter.      And then the twelve hours with my siblings on Saturday.  God worked it out so I could have tiny little snitches of chat that I could be assured that I got the most of the gift of them even being here.        We all stood around and prayed and cried and sobbed together for a short time before Bruce's left.  Healing.  I still feel emotional about it.  And now it's qu...

I am grateful.  Giving the accolades to God. But feeling like we're in a space of quiet.  The quiet before a storm. Is it possible to walk in faith and still prepare for the next heavy thing? Maybe it's possible. Maybe it's okay.  Maybe the quiet and mundane and nothingness is God's gift. Maybe He knows my mind and soul need a break.  A rest time.  Time to take care of other places of my life.  It doesn't mean I'm not close to Him.  It might mean I'm like a dry hard patch of earth that just needs the time to let the faith sink deep.   While I sit in this little space of empty I keep a grateful eye on my little piece of Faith.  And I list my Grateful in my head The two months without seizures The week long trip to my son's wedding and no bad effects.  The quiet of not having big fear spirals.  The flowers in the garden all messy and laying sideways and still blooming like it doesn't matter they're laying in the dirt.  The...

Tell me how one who is so vulnerable and feels openly can also find ways to ask for other's benefits?   Shouldn't one who is most mature know how to take the high road?  Shouldn't they be the one back tracking and picking up the fallen?  I have seen the most unlikely things from my dlg4 kid.  I should list them all. But the one that I got right now in my tears in my eyes is this: This past week we have been so completely and fully expanding her horizons and feeding her empty tank of relationships. Bess was here.   Bess showed her how to geocach. Bess connected with her for no other reason than to connect with her.  Bess made her feel like a viable member of society.      It wasn't about meeting a standard so much as it was about let's do things that are different than you normally do and let's have fun and let's be.  And Bess loved her well.  She didn't expect the "normal".  She expected Jeanie.  That...

I'm in my tabernacle/Church/ place of worship/ sanctuary.  Turns out that I can "tell the world" I am an extrovert and I love people.  But actually no it's not completely accurate. Lately I find I can't worship well in the corporal worship service.  God keeps showing me that I must retreat away to this quiet place.   You can ask me how I find this out.  I don't mind.      It's because I have a special needs daughter and for all these years I worked so very very hard to get involved and get her help and do the next right thing.  I surrendered my idea and thought for the "good of the community".  I helped where I could.  I enjoyed it.  I do love my people. That's still a fact.      But this thing we carry in our family is something that we find is our own to carry.  It's lonely.  And being out and busy and dutiful and involved hasn't gained us answers or clarity.      ...

Of  late I lay in bed at night sleepless with some sort of running dialogue between God and I.      It's been usually something along the lines of, " Alright God, I choose to give you first dibs.  But do something! "          The thing I'm asking is no hardship for God.  Because he is all knowing and all powerful and all the divine. But how will I know if He's going to do it? Of course He can do it.  He's got the ability.  But with his all knowing eye WILL he?       So two things show up over and over in this go round in my head:  1, Can I trust Him? DO I trust God?  And 2, Hannah in the Bible.     I am a Hannah. I go over this prayer for Jeanie's healing over and over with words and mostly without words. And  Hannah did not stop asking  so shall I not stop asking .         I find myself humanly thinking that I will in some way move the ha...

I read a liturgy this morning.   A phrase or two: O Christ who stood with Peter in his boat  And said, "Launch out into the deep."  Now come on board with me  That I too may launch out into the deep And know I always float upon the surface of your mystery.  Now as I sail, sail with me,  With me in calm and storm, And even as Your waters lift my boat,  Lift and sustain me. And another one.... Help me to remember that I live in both the Now and the Not Yet.  And a Bible verse: Show me Thy path.   So you see, I have been praying wrongly.  It isn't about God showing me My path.   It's God showing me HIS path.   It's not about my clarity. It's about God's clarity.  I am living in the now.   And now looks just pretty dark. But the Not Yet is around the corner  And looking at Jesus while I'm sailing this boat of life, Shows me HIS path.   It's not my path or my responsibility to blaze ...

https://open.spotify.com/track/0hFbM5TjRxWwPh8xIAYW38?si=zjODqNVMQduT0YCHdrSPXQ If that link works you should go listen to this song.   It soothes the soul.  Exactly what I need.  I've been listening to it for over a year.   When the noise gets to loud and the pain gets too strong.    Whem Matt built the greenhouse he was thinking about practical things....like growing food.  Somehow it has turned into a place to rest and relax the shoulders and turtle.   I believe everyone should have a place to rest.   How I'm so privileged to have this space is truly a unforeseen gift.  How God made things so beautiful - right down at the core of a plant, to the whole plant-  mystifies.      I wonder, does God design us like plants?  Deep inside are we that intricate and beautiful? And does the whole person show up as beautiful as that intricate inner being?   ...

I didn't actually want a diagnosis.  Jeanie has been a whole sunshine her whole life.  At age 10 she began to have seizures.  At age 3 she wasn't talking clearly. At age 6 she could barely write or color. At age 12 she still can't read or do numbers.   She's very literal.  Making a joke doesn't come out right.  Getting a pun is normal for her.  Walking a smooth straight line and jogging an even jog aren't in her repertory.   But making it fun and repressing the negative are things she's picked up and can do better than you.   If you think you do life scared, be her for a day.  She thinks it's normal to spill something and break something and not be able to thread a small bead. She thinks it's normal for the letters to blink out on the page and not be able to remember the sounds of the letter combination.   She knows she can't tie her shoe or work a buckle.  But she isn't embarrassed to ask for he...

          This is my Gluten Free food in proudly took to the kids Christmas program.   Lucky I did.  That place was packed with so many people from round about and it almost all got eaten because the other food was gone.    .         The group is getting smaller but those boys did such an amazing good job! And Jeanie did amazing what with needing so much help to memorize!  .      And here we have our current 15 year old boy.  I have discovered that around 14 and15 years old teen boys grow extensions on their ears and the world passes in a daze for them.  They also inhale huge amounts of iced coffee and cheezits.    Theyre amazing in every way.   We moms are even more amazing.        I'm just putting this picture here because I love a quiet morning living room.    ...

 Forgiveness  Forgiveness has bones It has a brain It uses logic  And common sense  Forgiveness goes about Finding a common ground. It shows up in common places. It happens unsuspected. Forgiveness allows one to Name the thing that happened. Forgiveness gives one a way To see it for what it was. Forgiveness provides for the  Empty spaces in conversation  And allows one to listen  And grieve outside of one’s own experience. Forgiveness walks into a situation  And remembers. But walks with peace And knows calmness. Forgiveness has an earpiece  On the heart  And a microphone  At his mouth Saying the words that Forgiveness has given him. Forgiveness doesn’t walk with fear. Forgiveness looks alone. But He’s always always  Hand in hand with gentleness and kindness. Forgiveness can stand alone though. It doesn’t melt away or dissipate  With time. Forgiveness is that little happy wren  On your shoulder  Forgiveness sings...

A week ago today we were in Dallas Texas learning how to use the bus and tram systems.  Walking the downtown Dallas streets.  Being horrified and stimulated and awed all together at once.  Shall I tell you only the sweet things or shall I tell you the philosophical things?  Let me tell you first the good things.   So our lives right now are one event after the other planned till mid-June.  I'm not happy about it and cannot find my way out.  So when Matt declared he was once again heading to Texas for his annual roofing conference I said in my mind, " Have a good time. I'm staying home.  GRC can take the workers to this thing and keep Matt company."  Well the GRC guys didn't get the mind memo and no one was going with him.  So I planned a lovely date weekend in my mind and planned it all out so that just ME would go with him.  Notice how I do all this planning in my mind?   That little plan didn't work out either so WE...

      Did I ever write on here that I am teaching school at our little church school?  I absolutely love it and find that it's been a neat way to feel useful and invest in our bubble.  But I am requiring my kids to tell stories and write them and read them.  And right now they are in a four week story writing assignment and I began to wonder what I thought I was doing requiring something of them that I am not really proficient at nor am I very knowledgable about.       So for my story to write  let me tell you a little bit about how God answers prayer.  Sometime I feel like I should write Jeanie's whole story.  But not this time.             Jeanie's been having focal seizures.  We don't know when they started.  All we know is that we were advised to go get her growing pain/ leg cramps looked into and it started the beginning of many tests of which we still aren't done with....

 So here's a little of my life since November.  We went to Idaho over Christmas and drove home on New Year's.  After dropping the eldest off at the airport in Spokane that is.  He flew to Pennsylvania and has been at SMBI for ages and ages.  We get to see him this weekend!  He's going to be in Kansas and we'll see him!      So about turning 46.  Matt and I both turned 46 in the last few days.  I found this photo of me when we were at Norvans for breakfast.  Inside I feel this age here.  Outside I don't look that age anymore. I'd like to know what I'd be like if I had that body and my experience of life now. Maybe God keeps me humble with not having wisdom and experience when I would have abused it and maybe I don't get that young body now because I would abuse THAT power!  HeHe!   Either way, I am blessed beyond measure.  That guy in the red sweatshirt just went through a tonsillectomy recovery....

 Happy Fall!  Happy Thankful Month.  I think it's been forever ago since I blogged.  I don't know how anymore.  In fact, I couldn't find the place on here where I could even write for the longest time.  But Lo and Behold!  Here I am.  This summer we went to Wisconsin for my aunt's funeral.  There were cousins from both sides of my family there because this aunt was dad's sister and her husband is my mom's brother.  Anyhow.....there were cousins there.  A LOT of cousins.  And one of them pulled me aside and told me I should write again.  I had a dream last night where I explained to a group of people that I'm not a writer.  So why am I here?  Not sure.  I wanted to see what it would be like I guess.       My life is different.  Different than it was last I was here.  I was wearing so many hats and reeling from confrontations and accusations.  So I lost my voice.  Am I b...